Time For a Change?

I was recently talking to a friend about all the shit life has been throwing at me. I started to tell him how sometimes it feels like I'm not myself, because maybe if I changed things wouldn't seem so bad. I didn't want to change, I was just worried that it might happen. My friend told me "This might sound strange coming from me, but you're awesome! Don't ever change. Some people do need to change, but you're not one of them."

thanksgiving update

Here is an update on my current situation.

hangover

Generally I try to avoid soda and caffeine and lots of stuff like that. It has been so long since I regularly drank soda that even non-caffeinated sodas give me head aches. Well last night for some reason I decided to buy a Sobe energy drink. I don't think it was a very good idea because now I have what could be best described as a mild hangover caused by all the fun chemicals that are supposed to give you energy. Yay for fun chemicals!

My first dubbed film

for some reason the words don't quite match up with my mouth, but that's ok. It's the information that is important anyway. You may need to turn up the volume to hear me

New ID

I had the privilege of driving to Madison today to get my dependant's military ID replaced, because mine had expired. First off, the guy who made the IDs mumbled something fierce so I couldn't understand him half the time. Anyway, I told him right away that some of the information on the card needed to be updated, because if you don't tell them they wont change any of it(the last time the information was updated was in 1999). Well he ignored that. Then when he asked me to sit in the chair for the picture, I smiled so it wouldn't look like shit. He actually laughed at me, he laughed at my smile and my face. In the course of his job he will run into thousands of faces and this mumbling piece of shit laughs at mine. I wanted to yell at him right there, but all I needed was my new ID and then I could leave (this guy had given us crap before and I didn't want to deal with anymore of it). So now I am a 19 year old who is 5'2" weighs 127 pounds, and has a smile that makes some idiot laugh at me. It has been a wonderful day!

In The Immortal Words of Just About Every Geek, "W00T"

Ok, so I had started to write another post about how great this girl was and how we started dating and how I was happier than I had ever been before, but I got really busy with school and lots of other shit. Then she broke up with me, so that was great. Apparently she is in a point in her life where she needs to be single to figure some stuff out for herself. She said she needs to be able to make herself happy before she can make anyone else happy. Too bad I was already happy. I normally wouldn't have a problem with this, I would do anything to make this girl happy. She had called me the night before I was leaving to go visit her for about five days and said "my parents don't think we should be dating anymore" (for the record, her mom absolutely loves me...go figure). I asked her why and she said they were afraid that having a boyfriend would hold her back from the rest of her life. Then I asked her what the problem was, "what does it matter if your parents don't think you should be dating me?" We are adults and our parents should not be able to control our lives anymore. Well, her parents brought up something that she herself was worried about. She was also worried that I might be holding her back. She knew that if she ever wanted to do something all she had to do was ask and I would do everything in my power to help her. I never wanted to hold her back. She said she wanted to date me again someday, because she loved me so much and because I was so different from everyone else. Apparently I was trust worthy. The "sweetest, kindest, warmest person I have ever known" is what she said. I guess that everyone was worried that because of me she wasn't going to be able to have a social life. Like I said before, I normally wouldn't have a problem with this. I would wait as long as I had to for this girl because she is worth it, even if it meant years. I knew after I met this girl that I had to make sure that some way or another she would have to be in my life for the rest of my life. Anyway, she explained to me how she had always used boyfriends as a crutch, when she didn't feel safe or when she wanted to feel better about herself she got a boyfriend. That wasn't the case with me though, she had actually tried to break up with me once before because she was trying to spare me. She liked me so much and thought that I was such a good person that she could never be good enough for me. Well, thankfully it didn't work that first time, she chose to be happy instead and I was so happy because of it. I don't think the argument of "I'm not good enough for you" is a valid one for anyone to make about themselves. When you find someone amazing you NEVER think you are good enough for that person!! If you do think you are good enough or even go as far as to think you are better then you should just end it now, it won't work and it wont be worth it. The whole time she thought she wasn't good enough for me I also thought I wasn't good enough for her. She is an amazing person, she has incredible taste in music, she is super intelligent, wants to travel, loves to read, loves dogs, volunteers for programs that really make a difference, so amazingly gorgeous, and everyone loves her. She doesn't feel she can trust anyone. She used to think she could trust me, but not anymore (I'll get into that later). She wants so much to believe that she is a bad person, because then when she makes a mistake she can just say "I am a bad person" and never have to think more about what had happened. I refuse to believe that she is a bad person, because she ISN'T! She doesn't understand that unlike anyone else she has encountered in her life I will NEVER quit, I will NEVER give up, especially not on her. Anyway, she wants to have a healthy social life, to do well at her new job and to help herself deal with issues that she can't deal with when she is with someone. Fine, I can deal with that, anything that will make her happier in the long run. Too bad she isn't doing anything to help herself with that. She broke up with me to help herself for now, because she wanted to be with me again in the future and didn't feel it was fair that I have to deal with the problems that she has in life. She is doing the exact opposite, hurting herself more and more every day because she doesn't want to feel the pain that comes with love. Love can bring the greatest happiness and inflict the greatest pain, she wants neither. She is at least working on having a social life, it doesn't seem like a healthy one, but it is one. Going out drinking several nights a week, passing out on friends couches only to wake up with them on top of you and they won't let you leave. Now let me explain why she doesn't trust me anymore. From several conversations with her after we had broken up I felt increasingly like I was being lied to constantly, I didn't know where to go to for the truth. So I went to the only place I knew couldn't talk to me over the phone and lie to me, I used her password (which in her trust she had given me) and logged onto her facebook and started to read her messages. This was a very disturbing day, apparently she was "loving the single life" and didn't "know why [she] wasn't single long ago" among other things. These are not good things for anyone to hear. Even if there was a terrible break up and they never wanted to talk again, those are bad things to hear. Sadly, that wasn't the situation for us. She wanted to talk, still called me every week, wanted to hear from me. It's not nice to hear that someone regretted your relationship, especially when there was nothing wrong with it. There was no cheating, or lying (at least while we were still together), or fighting. Well I had kept the fact that I had read her messages a secret for a few weeks. One night while on the phone with her I caught her in a lie and confronted her with it. She was very sorry (whether she was sorry because she had been caught, or because she was actually sorry for lying to me has yet to be seen). After this I decided that if I wanted her to be truly honest with me I would not only have to not lie to her (I still never have lied to her), but I would have to go one step farther and not hide things from her. So I called her one night and told her, I didn't want to tell her at the time because it was obvious that she was out celebrating the fact that she didn't have to work the next day (it was a wednesday night) and generally people don't take bad news well while they are drunk. However, she was very insistent that she wanted to know what was wrong. I told her and she started yelling at me about how she thought she could trust me and "you of all people should know better [insert my name here]." I instantly became the bad guy, the same guy that still treated her better than any previous boyfriend ever had and now I am a "bad, untrustworthy guy." Fine I can deal with that I guess, I deserve it right? After all, I did take advantage of her trust didn't I? Part of the problem is that she was so angry with me that I didn't even get to ask her about all those wonderful things she had said in the messages I had read. I called her the next day so I could talk with her about it some more, because she had decided the night before that she didn't want to talk anymore. At least now she was going to be sober. I hardly got a word in and she made it rather clear that she didn't really want to have anything to do with me anymore. Now I'll return to that friend of hers that was on top of her while she was passed out on his couch. It would appear that they are just fine now seeing as she is going to his birthday party later this week. So I ask you, what do you feel is worse? Making one mistake because you didn't know where to turn to find the truth, or trying to take advantage of someone while they are under the influence of alcohol and can't properly defend themselves? Apparently she feels I committed the greatest atrocity, because I haven't heard from her for three weeks now and like I said, she is back to hanging out with the guy who was ready to take advantage of her while she was passed out. I wish I could see her as a bad person, because then everything would be a lot easier, I could move on and realize that I wasn't happy with her. The only problems with that is the fact that she ISN'T a bad person and I WAS happy with her. The only thing I can do is keep being my nice kind self. I'm not really sure if I want to post this. I kind of want her to see this, but I kind of don't. I don't even know if she will remember how to find it. It seems every time I do anything, even if I think it is helping, I seem to fuck everything up. So this is probably another fuck up, but it does feel a little nice to tell some people about it. So if you read this, I'm sorry Rocket. As I explained earlier, you are already pissed at me anyway. Haha, I just realized that I had told her before that one day I was going to fuck everything up and she just laughed at me and said that "wasn't possible." Apparently it is.

Here is what I was going to write and never finished before.

Yeah, so that girl I mentioned before, the one that actually seemed to like me. Turns out she actually did. It only took five grueling months, but we actually started dating and I am incredibly happy now...